Terry Pratchett

The Last Continent

"Wasn't it a basic principle never to let your employer know what it is you actually do all day ?"

"'He called me in and asked me what I did, exactly. Have you ever heard of such a thing? What sort of question is that? This is a university!'"
- the Lecturer in Recent Runes, complaining about Archchancellor Ridcully

"A man sits in some museum somewhere and writes a harmless book about political economy and suddenly thousands of people who haven't even read it are dying because the ones who did haven't got the joke."

"Tenure was automatic or, more accurately, non-existent. You found an empty room, turned up for meals as usual, and generally no one noticed, although if you were unfortunate you might attract students."
- staff at Unseen University

"There may be strapping young wizards with copper-coloured skins and muscles as solid as a plank, but not after sixty years of UU dinners. It gives senior wizards what they think is called gravitas but is more acurately called gravity."

"Discworld constellations changed frequently as the world moved through the void, which meant that astrology was cutting-edge research rather than, as elsewhere, a clever way of avoiding a proper job. It was amazing how human traits and affairs could so reliably and continuously be guided by a succession of big balls of plasma billions of miles away, most of whom have never even heard of humanity."

"Once upon a time the plural of 'wizard' was 'war'."

"'Um ... I know this may seem a somewhat esoteric question, but what's in the meat pies?'
'Meat.'
'And what kind of meat?'
'Ah, you want one of the gourmet pies, then?'"
- Rincewind and Dibbler

"But still, one of the most basic rules for survival on any planet is never to upset someone wearing black leather.*
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* This is why protesters against the wearing of animal skins by humans unaccountably fail to throw their paint over Hell's Angels."

"Of course, more time was spent setting it up than was ever saved by using it, but this is the case in many similar fields and is a sign of Progress."