"There is no cannibalism in the British Navy, absolutely none, and when I
say none, I mean there is a certain amount."
- Sir John Cunningham
"The dromedary has one hump, and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and
ticket collector."
- A Camel/Train-Spotter
"Your Life or your lupines!"
- Dennis Moore
"We have a lot of troubles with these oldies. Pension day's the worst -
they go mad! As soon as they get their hands on their money, they blow it
all on milk, bread, tea, a tin of meat for the cat ..."
- Policeman
"They should attack the lower classes, first with bombs and rockets to
destroy their homes, and then when they run helpless into the street,
mow them down with machine guns. And then, of course, release the vultures.
I know these views aren't popular, but I have never thought of popularity."
- Stockbroker
"Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country, we can see
how international communism works, by eroding away from the inside. When one
country or tooth falls victim to international communism, the others soon
follow. In dentistry, this is known as the Domino Theory."
- Uncle Sam
"One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture! There's dirt,
and smoke, and good honest sweat!"
- Ken to his playwright/father
"There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito."
- Roy Spim
"Your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for yet."
- Veterinarian
"There's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong."
- Surgeon to Mr. Notlob
"You blow there, and move your fingers up and down here."
- Alan, on how to play the flute
"When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you
with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me."
- Sgt. Major
"Customs men should be armed, so they can kill people carrying more than
two hundred cigarettes."
- Housewife
"The point is frozen, the beast is dead, what is the difference?"
- Gavin Millarrrrrrrrr
"I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism.
It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control,
and that it is the RAF who now suffer the most casualties in this area."
- Letter from Capt. B.J. Smethicke in a white wine sauce,
with shallots, mushrooms, and garlic
"There's been a walkout in the Impressionists ... Gaines' Blue Boy
has brought out the eighteenth-century English portraits, the Flemish School
is solid, and German woodcuts are at a meeting now."
- Farmer from Constable's Hay Wain
"What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"
- Arthur Name
Arthur: "I am your King."
Peasant woman: "Well I didn't vote for you."
Arthur: "You don't vote for kings."
Woman: "Well how'd you become king, then?"
Arthur: "The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest
shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the
water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to
carry Excalibur. That is why I'm your king."
Dennis: "Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing
swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme
executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not
from some farcical aquatic ceremony."
Arthur: "What does it say?"
Brother Maynard: "It says: ``Here may be found the last words
of Joseph of Aramethia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit
may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of AAAhhahhhhahhaaa.´´"
Arthur: "What?"
Brother Maynard: "The Castle of AAahaahhaaaaaa."
Sir Bedemere: "What, he's dead?"
Brother Maynard: "He must've died while carving it."
Arthur: "Oh, come on!"
Brother Maynard: "Well that's what it says."
Arthur: "Look, if he was dying he wouldn't bother to carve
``Aahhaahaaaaaa.´´ He'd just say it."
Brother Maynard: "Well that's what's carved in the rock."
Sir Lancelot: "Perhaps he was dictating."
Arthur: "Oh, shut up."
Half a bee, philosophically,
Must ipso facto half not be.
But half a bee has got to be
Vis a vis it's entity.
-d'you see?
But can a bee be said to be
Or not to be an entire bee,
When half the bee is not a bee,
Due to some ancient injury.
Eric the Half A Bee
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space, Because there's bugger all down here on Earth. Galaxy Song